This is the first day of my life.

I apparently have a journal.

Apparently, it still is not updating as it used to be.

I probably should do it, someday soon.

I have always seen you as a person that can achieve and accomplish anything.

And I guess, feeling unimportant and not prioritized for some unknown reason is just suitable since I have only been kind and nice to you. Right?

As they say, the more you give, the more you get.

I am not important. I get it. I guess you never really did care about me after all.

Hey, that is fine. These things happen and these things are just what they are and always will be. And I guess, me being nice as the person that I am, to you is something that is scary and unknown. If that is and was the case, then I apologize.

It is just that, I have stood there, for the last nine years, hoping that you would acknowledge me as someone that you can trust and be with. You say things that I am the “only” true friend that you have. Someone to share your thoughts and moments in vain. So..why didn’t you?

I do not even know what to expect these days. I wish. I longer. I hope that you could realize how important you mean to me. My positive and humble mind tells me that this is just how you are, as a person and as an individual. And that I should not even post this entry due to the familiarity that I have with you. And that I should never doubt about your abilities and personality.

But I just cannot hinder myself from doing just that.

As it really turns out.

I am not fine.

Not fine.

At.

All...

Somehow, I have this urge to just escape from Sweden, get a green-card and move to New York City.

Get an apartment in Brooklyn and enjoy my life as a privileged american.

Or something.

TEAM AMERICA, FUCK YEAH.

I will soon get my degree. All I need now is a job that pays me good money.

So...anyone out there?

1) Your name?
Tianlin

2) Your age?
23

3) Your gender?
Male

4) Your location?
Stockholm, Sweden

5) Is OLIVIA your #1?
Yes.

6) Did you know about her during her D&D days before she went solo?
I knew she was in a girl-group but wasn't sure until I checked it up.

7) If you didn't know about her during her D&D days, then how did you find out about her? NANA, maybe?
--

8) What was the first song you heard by her?
Dear Angel

9) What was the song that made you love her?
I loved the voice, the lyrics and how she could hit those high notes without any flaws.

10) What is your (overall) favorite song by her?
Oh where shall I start? SpiderSpins, Cut Me Free, sugarbloodsuckers, Color of Your Spoon, Cupid, Celestial Deliquent, Under Your Waves, skip to a little, Rain, Trinka Trinka, Into the Stars, If you Only Knew, Internal Bleeding Strawberries, Mint...and so forth

11) What is your favorite song by her in (full) English?
Cupid and SpiderSpins.

12) What is your favorite song by her in Japanese?
Dress Me Up, Rain, Color of Your Spoon.

13) What is your favorite b-side song by her?
Africa

14) Do you prefer her songs in English, Japanese, or both?
Both really. Some songs are more suitable in English, some in Japanese but her voice is more "warm" with English.

15) Some of her songs have two versions. Do you prefer those particular songs in English, Japanese, or does it not matter?
Depends really. Some songs are not suitable in Japanese but they excel in English (Into the stars, Wish), others are just perfect in Japanese. I would say depending on the song.

16) Is there a particular song in English that you loved to hear in Japanese (or vice-versa)?
An English Version of Rain or maybe Stars Shining Out. Color of your spoon maybe?

17) Is there a particular song you dislike? If so, why?
Denial or Devils in Me. I just...cannot get my grasp of it.

18) Was there a song that most fans loved yet you never understood why it was so loved (or hated/vice-versa)?
I never understand why people love Devil's in Me. Sorry.

19) Are there any songs that you feel doesn't get much appreciation/are ignored?
Synchronicity is so ignored and maybe Bliss Forest. Her new songs from Greatest Hits and Lost Lolli are mostly overlooked as well.

20) Is there a particular song that freaked you out?
Denial. I just...no, I just cannot grasp it.

21) Is there a particular song that would sound good without vocals?
Mint, Alone in the Castle and maybe Bliss Forest.

22) "Color of your Spoon" is the only song that got 'special treatment'. What do you think of it?
I think it's an interesting choice. Since asian countries are more beloved and willing to listen to ballads, it was quite easy to see CoyS getting the treatment as it did. After all, it is still a nice song.

23) Despite if you may like the song or not, what is your favorite music video by her?
Stars Shining Out, Sea Me, Wish, Color of Your Spoon and Dress Me Up.

24) Is there a particular song that you feel deserved a music video?
Under Your Waves, Cut Me Free, Cupid. Or maybe Winter Sleep.

25) What is your favorite album by her (including full, mini, complications, etc.)?
I would say maybe Synchroncity, Internal Bleeding Starwberry, Merry & Hell go Round, Return of Chlorophyll Bunny and Cloudy Dreamer.

26) Which song(s) or album would recommend someone wanting to get into her music?
The Lost Lolli would be a good start, Synchronicity, Cloudy Dreamer and FINALLY the NANA songs.

27) What is your favorite cover by her?
Africa. Hands down.

28) Is there a particular song that you would love her to cover?
Hmmm...maybe some songs by Massive Attack or Regina Spektor. Imogen Heap!

29) Have any of her songs made you cry? If so, which songs and why?
Cut me free, space halo. Read the next question.

30) Is there a particular song by her that relates to you in a way?
Into the Stars - Reminds me too much of my high school days and my unrequited love of a person.
Space Halo - Same reason...

31) Exactly how many albums (including singles) do you own by her?
Let's see here:

- Albums: Synchronicity First Press and Regular Edition / The Lost Lolli / Greatest Hits DVD/CD and CD only versions
- Mini Albums: Merry & Hell Go Round / Return of the Chlorophyll Bunny - Still hunting for the rest...
- Singles: All of them (First Press Cloudy Dreamer, First Press Trinka Trinka, a little pain + Wish + Sailing Free DVD/CD). Including Dear Angel LP, Dekinai Promo.
- D&D Days: First Album and all singles.


32) Do you love her for her music or her style (image-wise)?
Her music first, looks are something that just comes in second. It is a shame that some only consider her as pretty and therefore her music is brilliant.

I just admire her lyrics and her sense of music excellence and her ability to create different styles, genres and make _everything_ sound natural.

33) Do you consider yourself a big fan or just one of those people that just likes her music every now and then?
Big fan. Been listening to her since ~2000.

34) Have you ever been to a live concert featuring/centered on her?
Uppcon, Uppsala Sweden.

35) Have you ever meet her in-person? If so, what was your meeting experience like?
I have met in person. Staff of Uppcon knew that I was a _huge_ fan of hers so they set me up for a face-face meeting with her. I had no idea. I died when I saw her.

A unforgettable experience and I surely hope that everyone will have the possibility to do so...

36) Would you like to see her in movies (like, would you want her to start acting)?
I don't think she would be suitable but then again, she has shown her creative side in both art and music so I wouldn't mind it if she did attempt.

I can see her in indie movies as her style would be more suitable.

37) Do you feel that she should break into the US (United States for those who don't know) music scene?
It is a very dangerous choice to break into the US as her music style could be rather..."misleading". I think if she did break into the US, it would be more of an indie movement or within "pitchwork media" people. Hint, hint.

38) Are there any other music artist which you find similar to her style?
I see some Björk. Some Animal Collective, Boards of Canada but Massive Attack.

39) Would you like her to do a collaboration with the artist listed above (or any artist for that matter)?
Massive Attack. She would be so awesome. Or a trident of Regina Spektor, Olivia Lufkin and Imogen Heap.

40) Copy and paste a piece of lyric which you favor (from one song only please):
You live off my compassion
I am the one
That keeps you alive
I feel you pull me under
Fall into your trap
Now you're taking control of me

The world is weird.

But I love it anyway.

Please...if there is a higher power of some sort, make me pass this month with exceptional results.

- Thesis
- Two Exams
- Four Labs

Once I have finished these. I am officially done. Imagine that? D O N E.

Now I just need to find the power, motivation and strength to do this.

But most of all, I just want to touch her hand again.

And dare I tell her, that I am sadly in l--e with her?
I thought I had left these emotions long time ago.

Guess I never really did.

I can do this. I can do this.

GO GO GO

It is quite funny how thoughts about life and silly things manages to keep you awake at nights. During daytime, my mind is completely focused with my thesis work, my job applications and also what to cook for dinner. It is funny but yeah, I do think in the lines of "I had this last night, what shall I cook today?". It is pathetic really but I guess it goes along with maturity that some people have to go through.

Maturity. Oh wow, what a word.

As my thesis is slowly on its mid(riff) importance and whether the different sections, chapters and parts can intervene with each other, I have been feeling rather...out of place lately.

Several things are interfering with my life right now. I am under pressure from...well myself, to succeed with my thesis. I had a meeting with my super-visor today and well, he enjoyed the theoretical background and was looking forward the next part.

"Keep it up" - Now that is not a wise choice of words for someone who is a perfectionist when it comes to thesis writing. It just adds everything up, more and more.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Thesis problems and the constant nagging from my dear father to decide if I should go for a Ph.d. or...well...a Ph.d.

The pressures are just building up. Hence my sleepless nights, where thoughts just gather inside my mind as it were a piece of fresh meat and the thoughts are fucking VULTURES. Speaking of meat, I have started to go vegetarian mainly due to my economical status and that I am tired of meat. I have always liked green stuff and fish so I can slowly cut away everything meat-related in my fridge. Well, at least for a while.

So what am I doing with my life? I work, I come home, I cook, I watch anime or climb the ladders of StarCraft 2 and sleep.

Haha. Sleep.

Good one.

I have blisters on my lips.

Just wanted you to know.